RSS Feed

Parents Say The Darndest Things

Posted on

Ivan and I frequently find ourselves saying things out loud that are completely, totally, clinically insane. But it’s not our fault: Our children push the boundaries of reasonable human behavior every day, and we have to respond in kind.  I knew we had a problem last 4th of July, when I heard my normally rational, sensible husband frantically imploring our 4-year-old daughter to “Get that sparkler away from your vagina!”.  (Hey, you try celebrating the Grand Old Fourth with clothing-averse children and see if you can get through the night without saying that at least one time. It’s impossible.) After he dispensed this gem of timeless parental advice – and it was heeded by its freewheeling recipient –  we looked at each other with the well-worn expression that we both know means, “Well, you don’t say that every day.”

The thing is, I know we’re not alone. You, my dear reader, must also say ridiculous stuff to your own little angels, and if you claim not to you are a liar liar pants on fire and I’m going to tell on you. Anyway, recently I’ve started harassing my friends to tell me some of the things that they can’t believe they’ve said out loud to their own children. The responses that I have gotten have been overwhelmingly hilarious, and often more than a little bit gross. Here are some of my favorites, roughly separated by category:

Sound Nutritional Advice

  • “You need eat your chicken nuggets and fries if you want to go play.”
  • “No more fruit until you finish that hotdog.”

Personal Hygiene and Manners

  • “Go brush your teeth in the dishwasher!”
  • “Stop licking your brother’s butt.”
  • “Get your finger out of your bottom.”
  • “Stop talking with your mouth full! It’s disgusting.” (Said, with a full mouth. Oops.)

 Man’s Best Friend

  • “I know they started it, but please no farting on the dogs’ heads”
  • To dachshund who was trying to assert his Alpha maleness on crawling five-month-old: “Hey, quit humping my boy. “

 This one we can all relate to, and if you’re anything like me you don’t know how you ever became That Parent Who Counts, when you swore up and down that you would never resort to such a thing:

  • “…….11111111111……..2222222222222……222222 1/2……….”

 General Nudity

  • “Yes, I know that the boys are doing it and yours look just like theirs, but it is just not socially acceptable for girls to lift their shirts and yell ‘Nipples!!’”
  • “We’ll have to make a rule that you can’t come to dinner naked if you can’t keep yourself from sitting on the table”
  • “Where are your clothes?”

 Penises (Yep, this appendage requires its own category. Take a bow, guys.)

  • During bath time: “No one is allowed to grab any penis except their own! Okay, that’s it! Separate baths from now on!”
  • “Put your penis back in your pants.”
  • ‎”Stop using your penis as a puppet, it can’t be good for the pee hole pulling it like that. Or at least give it a deeper tougher sounding voice”
  • “Get your penis off the dinner table. You don’t see Daddy putting his penis on the table, do you?”

 Just….Ewwww.

  • “Get your head out of the toilet!”
  • ‎”What are you eating? Oh God! Is that sh#*?!? Are you eating sh#*?!?”
  •  “No, really, don’t wash your hands, I don’t care what you just did in the toilet, MY FOOD IS GETTING COLD!”
  • “Don’t lick that!!” (in public restroom)
  • “Don’t pee on your sister!”
  • “Don’t put your boogers in your mouth! (pause) No! Don’t put them in MY mouth either! Child, get a Kleenex!”
  • “Please keep your own buggers in your own nose. Thank You.”

A couple that defy any category but awesomeness…

  • ‎”No, I don’t think Darth Vader’s other vehicle is a minivan.”
  • Barreling down a mountain after a new skier: “French Fries! Now Pizza! I said Pizza, not French Fries!” (Anyone who has attempted to teach kids how to ski will see how this is possible.)
  • ‎(After long debate) “OK, yes, it’s *technically* possible that you could find one living example of every extinct animal.”
  • “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” (To 3-year-old son in grocery store line, who had recently received the lecture about how eating too many unhealthy snacks will make you fat – and consequently asked the overweight cashier, “Did you have too many snacks?”) Side Note: When you ask a toddler what they said, they do not care if you’re staring at them in disbelief. They. Will. Repeat. Themselves.

And my personal favorite, brought to my attention by my friend Jim whose wife said to him during the heat of an argument: “Mommy doesn’t have time for that!”

What have YOU said as a parent that borders on the insane/ridiculous/absurd? 

About Mary Rekosh

I am a freelance writer, and also a children's yoga instructor at Bend Yoga Charlottesville. I am the the mother of one awesome chef, and the wife of three small children...wait, that doesn't sound right. Switch that around. I need a nap.

3 responses »

  1. Along the same lines, “Get your hands out of your pants. No don’t smell it!” or “Don’t drink the bath water!” and then giving in because at least his face is getting clean.

    Reply
  2. Oh, this made me laugh and shake my head and then think to myself – why, I have said many of these things myself – OMG. :)

    Reply
  3. This is pretty darned excellent. I don’t have kids, but I find myself saying things like “come over here and let me smell your belly” to the dog.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 26 other followers

%d bloggers like this: